Suburgatory – Krampus

suburgatory5S02xE07 – George gives Tessa the gift of spending Christmas with her mother. Tessa is initially excited about the idea, but when she realizes how much she’s like her mother it unsettles her. She leaves her mom a note apologizing and heads back home. George is spending the holidays with Dallas and Dalia. All Dalia wants for Christmas is Carmen back. So she makes a music video about her love for Carmen and George ends up giving it to Carmen who has been having issues working for Noah now that his wife is back in town. So with the video George is able to persuade Carmen in going back to work for Dallas and Dalia. He wins big points with both girls.

Meanwhile with the Shays. Ryan finds out that he’s adopted from the photographer taking the family photograph. Ryan then loses control and goes wild. Literally. Malik and his family happen to drive by and see Ryan and take him home. Lisa who sees Tessa come home early stops her and begs her to go talk to Ryan and convince him to come home. She finds Ryan and talks with him, but he’s just not ready. Tessa then goes home and is greeted by a surprised George. Tessa’s just happy to be home for Christmas.

Best of the episode: Wild Ryan.

Worst of the episode: Noah’s evil wife.

Where did this episode leave us?:  Carmen is back with Dallas and Dalia. Malik is hoping to score points and win Lisa back by taking care of Ryan. Tessa isn’t ready for a relationship with her mother.

What this episode ruined for us: Photographers

Rating:

– a la Chryshele

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Suburgatory – Friendship Fish

suburgatory4S02xE06 – George is taking to suburbia a little too much, and his comfort in his relationship with Dallas as well. So when a few friends from the city show up and see him in a pink shirt and sun hat, they get a little worried. George doesn’t help things when he offers them wine coolers to drink and cute little appetizers. So they head to the bar, where Noah and Fred show up trying act street smart cool and fail miserably. NYC friends start to criticize George, and it only gets worse when Dallas shows up and they are doting on her until they find out George is dating her. George has had enough of his so called friends and bids them farewell. Then he decides to one-up them for an architect position on a project, but fails miserably. But a message was sent saying George is not one to mess with. I think.

Lisa having broke up with Malik is now relying on Tessa’s friendship to get her through the tough time. Only problem is that Tessa has adapted to not having Lisa in her life as much. So Tessa doesn’t handle the constant clinging of Lisa very well. And the smoked friendship fish only tries to kill Tessa. So with Tessa in the hospital and George is nowhere to be found, Tessa is left to call another relative who happens to be her new found grandmother. George doesn’t like this much when he finally gets home apologizing profusely to Tessa. Tessa also has to apologize to Lisa for the way she was acting.

Best of the episode: The friendship fish. Totally creepy and gross, yet hilarious.

Worst of the episode: George’s NYC friends. They were just douche’s.

Where did this episode leave us?:  Lisa and Tessa are better friends after the near death experience that is the friendship fish.

What this episode ruined for us: Smokers

Rating:

– a la Chryshele

Suburgatory – Wishbone

S02xE05 – George is hosting Thanksgiving at his home this year, and his plan is for he and Dallas to cook together. Tessa has been invited to go to her grandma’s home for dinner because her mom whom she’s never met is supposed to attend. George is more than cool about this surprisingly, and so Tessa is on her way. George is trying to cook dinner, but Dallas is no help, and George is not a cook, so he asks chef Alan to help. Alan gets offended because he thought he was invited as a guest, but really it was to cook. Oh well.

Tessa arrives at her grandmother’s apartment for dinner, but her mother isn’t there yet. In fact she doesn’t show at all. So a disappointed Tessa leaves after dinner to head home. When she gets home she finds her mother sitting on the couch with all of George’s guests surrounding her. Tessa is a little overwhelmed and heads up to her room where her mother follows, and they talk and get to know each other before mom passes out on the floor from jet lag. Tessa tells George she was glad she got to meet her, but it’s not apparent that anything further will happen. Her mom is kind of flighty.

On the brief third story of the episode, Lisa invites Malik to dinner with her family, and as he comes to dinner straight from playing sports, he decides to take a shower and cleanup before dinner. Sheila walks in on Malik as he’s stepping out of the shower, and it’s an awkward yet mature conversation they have about the situation. Lisa happens to walk by and sees what’s happening and screams. She’s very upset not only that it happened, but that everyone is being so casual about it. She doesn’t like this and ends up breaking up with Malik. I think she overreacted slightly, but it was super creepy that her family and Malik were so ok with how it went down.

Best of the episode: Tessa finally getting to meet her mother.

Worst of the episode: Malik and Lisa breaking up.

Where did this episode leave us?:  Tessa has finally met her long lost mother, and so this could be another branch on the show tree, or this could fade away. It should be interesting to see if Tessa builds a relationship with her, or if her mother really even has a desire to.

Apologies for the brief recap, life got in the way, and I will do better next week. Promise.

Rating:

– a la Chryshele

Suburgatory – Foam Finger

S02xE04 – Dallas and George are on another date and it’s gone pretty well. So well actually that George feels pretty confident about going to bed with Dallas, and when he makes an innuendo regarding his thoughts, Dallas puts him on hold and goes to freshen up. When George tires of waiting for her and goes to find her, he’s instructed to switch on the lights and there’s Dallas hanging from the ceiling wearing a sexy outfit. Yay! Another Dallas production! Before George can say anything next thing he knows is there’s a choir singing and Dallas is dressed to match. George puts a halt on the production and says all he wants is her, nothing else. He then goes in to kiss her and before he even touches her she starts to whoop and holler how great he was. George is thoroughly confused.

Meanwhile Dalia is telling her friends fondly nicknamed KKK that she will be moving to Singapore to live with her dad and his fiance. KKK have no idea how to handle this news, as they hang on Dalia’s every move. So when Tessa finds them wandering down the middle of the street about to be run over, she learns they need a new leader. Tessa’s not up for the job, so she puts Lisa on it. Lisa willingly takes them in, but finds they are more work than she wants.

George and Dallas are taking Tessa and Dalia out to dinner to make the big announcement that they’re dating. Tessa is thrilled with the news, Dalia we’re not so sure. She’s too involved in laughing so much from talking to her dad’s fiance over text. Tessa notices something is up with Dalia and can’t put her finger on it, but it becomes more clear when Dalia dyes her hair brown and voluntarily sits alone at lunch. Tessa makes an effort to make sure Dalia’s ok by stopping by her house later, but gets shooed away and told everything is fine. We learn though everything isn’t fine when Dalia video chats with her dad’s fiance and learns that they already got married without Dalia participating in the wedding. Dalia is devastated, or I think she was, you can’t tell with her expressionless look. Tessa eavesdropped on the conversation and let’s Dalia know. She helps Dalia dye her hair blonde again and take back KKK. After some work, Dalia seems to be her old self, but wouldn’t dare thank Tessa for the help. That’s not her style.

Dallas has been going around town talking George up saying he’s the best lover she’s ever had, and etc., etc. When George finds out, he not only has to quash the rumors, but has to tell Dallas that his ego doesn’t need stroking. He just wants real. Then he proceeds to take her to bed and have sex. When Dallas is a little harshly honest about the quality of the sex, George realizes a little ego stroking doesn’t hurt.

Best of the episode: Dallas’ big pre-sex production. The choir set the mood for sure.

Worst of the episode: The wall of Dallas’ painted in her bedroom. Self absorbed much? Ah who am I kidding it’s funny.

Where did this episode leave us?:  Dallas and George have taken the next big step in their relationship.

Best one-liner: Dallas – “Come on George, deep down there’s not a man alive who doesn’t want to do it with a choir leader while the whole gospel choir looks on.”

What the episode ruined for us: Gospel Choirs

Rating:

– a la Chryshele

Suburgatory – Ryan’s Song

S02xE03 – Lisa is feeling guilty about not telling Ryan he’s adopted, so she’s decided to be nice to him. She even lets him be the boot when the family plays Monopoly. Personally I always liked to be the car. Her parents tell her to quit treating him differently, that he will notice and things will go very wrong.

Dallas is preparing for her first date with George by getting a facial, manicure and the works with Dalia. George is preparing by talking to Noah about it, and not stressing too much. Noah on the other hand is stressing about what kind of thank you gift he can give Carmen his nanny. He’s decided he’s going to take her to the opera, but needs someone to watch the baby while they’re gone. Tessa has overheard the conversation and offers up her services. Both Noah and George don’t think it’s a good idea because Tessa has no experience with babies. But Tessa talks Noah into letting her do it, she could use the money.

So Tessa is getting the 411 from Noah and Carmen about not only the baby, but the house. Apparently the security system is down, so she isn’t supposed to open the door to killers, and the lights inside the house turn off by themselves, so she shouldn’t be surprised if she finds herself in the dark. And if the baby cries, just sing Phil Collins to him. Check.

George goes to pick up Dallas for their date, and Dalia answers the door saying Dallas likes to make a big entrance. And she’s right. It involves two outfits (the final being a jacket lined with pony eyelash), loud music and lots of lights. When she’s done with her entrance, she asks where they’re going to eat, and when George mentions a place down by the dock, Dallas is appalled, and suggests somewhere else. George not wanting to upset her, agrees to change the venue, and they’re off on their date.

Tessa is with baby Opus and the doorbell rings. It’s the electrician, who has ‘strangler’ in the company name. Yeah it’s creepy on top of the already creepy house, so Tessa calls Lisa over to keep her company. Lisa decides to send Ryan who is in love with Tessa instead. Ryan has every intention of confessing his love to Tessa, but it gets sidetracked by his new assumption that he’s dying. It’s the only thing that explains why Lisa is being nice to him. Tessa convinces him otherwise, and they end the night with a kiss.

George and Dallas are on their date, and Dallas’ life coach shows up. George is less than enthused with this interruption. So when he’s saying goodnight to Dallas, he tells her that the night just didn’t go well. Dallas isn’t as willing to give up so quickly, and they both agree to be themselves, and let it go where it will go. They also end the night with a kiss.

Best of the episode: The crib baby Opus sleeps in. It looks like a cross between some caveman cage and the mouth of a giant animal.

Worst of the episode: Dallas inviting her lame life coach Tabitha (a dude).

Where did this episode leave us?: Love is in the air. Or potentially. Both Ryan and Tessa, and Dallas and George all ended their nights on a good note. We shall see how it goes from here.

Best one-liner: Ryan telling Lisa about liking Tessa – “I think it’s pretty obvious that she’s my moose.” Lisa – “your muse?”

What the episode ruined for us: Pony Eyelashes

Rating:

– a la Chryshele

Suburgatory – The Witch of East Chatswin

S02xE02 – It’s Halloween in Chatswin and Dalia and her friends are trying to come up with an original slutty costume. Tessa tries to intervene, but it doesn’t work. What does work is her ability to catch the attention of the town witch. Or so Tessa finds out from Sheila while over at Lisa’s house. Apparently Sheila went to middle school with her and tells of her odd encounters with the witch who shall not be named, or Paula.

Dallas has called George over to her store to fix a thing, and when he shows up, she asks him to be Ken to her Barbie for the club’s annual halloween party. George declines and like that Dallas’ thing doesn’t need fixing anymore. You can tell she’s hurt, but acts fine about it.

Noah shows up at George’s house dressed as George. This is his costume. George is a little offended because he doesn’t think Noah makes a very good George. That is until Sheila sees Noah as George and thinks he’s actually George. This gives real George an idea, he’s going to be Noah. So to do so he buys himself a blonde wig, and shaves off his goatee. It’s a little traumatic for him, but he’s committed now.

Lisa and gang are at the school party and they are all dressed up as characters from Scooby Doo. There’s been a slight mix up and both Malik and Ryan have shown up as Fred so now there’s no Shaggy. Lisa dressed as Velma is worried because their Daphne has gone missing, or better known as Tessa. She’s gone over to the town witches home to see if she lives up to the stories, and there she finds her hovered over a cauldron in the front yard. Yep looks like the stories are true. Tessa is a little disturbed by it and runs off.

George is at the club party and because he looks like a rich club member he’s getting his drinks from the bartender with ease, Noah on the other hand isn’t because he looks like George. Such prejudice! Dallas and Dalia walk into the party dressed as Barbie and Skipper and look pretty good. Dalia walks up to the bar and asks for a vodka cranberry because she has a bladder infection so it’s ok. There she finds George and tells him that he almost makes a perfect Ken. She then proceeds to tell George that Dallas wasn’t just asking George to be Ken, but she was asking him to be her Ken. George finally gets it and when Dallas walks up to the bar, he asks her out on a date to which she says yes. Aw.

Tessa is at the school heading to the party when Paula the witch shows up. It turns out she’s not a witch at all, she’s just not a stepford wife either and because she never conformed to Chatswin society, she’s been an outcast. Sheila shows up with a crowd of lynchers ready to lynch Paula, but with Tessa’s smarts she distracts everyone by shutting off the lights and letting Paula get away. Tessa’s made a new friend in town, one that she can relate to and it’s a good thing.

Tessa and George are eating breakfast the next morning when Noah stops by and brings a bunch of flannel shirts for George. He admits to George that he was wrong in trying to imitate him, and that it was so easy to imitate his wife Jill last year, he thought he’d try it again with George. Noah then does his impression of Jill and they all laugh. It’s actually a little creepy, but apparently it’s dead on.

Best of the episode: George and Noah’s costumes. Especially George’s because he really did look like Ken more than Noah.

Worst of the episode: The lynching of Paul the witch. Why can’t they just let her be different? Good thing Tessa came to the rescue.

Where did this episode leave us?: George and Dallas will now be going on a date. So this will be interesting due to the fact that Tessa and Dalia are enemies and there’s a possibility of them having to spend more time together.

Best one-liner: Tessa – “It’s stripper shoe season in Chatswin, or as it’s known to the layman, Halloween.”

What the episode ruined for us: Aqua and their horrible Barbie Girl song. But then again that song always sucked, so….

Rating:

– a la Chryshele

Suburgatory – Homecoming

S02xE01 – Tessa has returned to Chatswin after spending the summer with her newfound grandmother in Manhattan. George is excited for Tessa to be home, but when he learns of her new interest in her mother and her music, his excitement turns to disappointment. Tessa’s determined to learn a song her mother wrote and to play it at the Fall Follies. A festival that celebrates the closing of summer. It’s basically a huge talent show for the town. Tessa spends the next few days practicing her big part, and with no help from Dalia, gets discouraged and convinces herself that she’s no good. It takes George to see that she’s given up to come around and encourage her to perform.

Meanwhile Dallas, Dalia and Noah are at odds over Carmen the maid. Noah wants Carmen to leave Dallas and work for him taking care of his new little one while his wife is out on a book tour. Dallas wants Carmen to stay working for her and continue to take care of Dalia. So Noah wages a war with Dallas by sending extravagant gifts to Carmen in the form of teddy bears, cruise tickets and lemon bars. Dallas has managed to bypass Carmen and burn all the gifts except the lemon bars; those just got tastier with the heat. Carmen catches Dallas in the act of burning the lemon bars, and walks out. She finds refuge at George’s house where Dallas and Noah hunt her down to beg some more. George has a good talking to both of them informing them they are acting like children, and Carmen deserves better. So Dallas and Noah opt for a game of Rock Paper Scissors to decide who gets her, and Noah wins. But does Carmen know that?

Over at the Shay house Lisa has decided to wage her own war with her mother regarding their performance at the Fall Follies. Ryan always gets to be the main attraction, but Lisa wants that spot this year. So she tries to leverage with her mother by threatening to tell Ryan he’s adopted. This works, and she gets the lead part. Ryan isn’t happy, but Lisa finds that this piece of information could get her far, and begins to get drunk with power. So Sheila decides she’s going to do a bit of her own leveraging and threaten Lisa with the fact that if Ryan finds out he’s adopted then he will go looking for his birth parents and leave Lisa all alone with her. Lisa lost this round. The family decides that the adoption is best left kept a secret and so they burn down the shed which held all the information. You know because all families hide their secrets in a shed.

In the end we get to see Tessa perform the song her mother wrote, and lo and behold it’s the song that opens the series every week. How cute.

Best of the episode: Tessa’s yearning to feel a connection with her mother, even though she abandoned Tessa as a baby and is now off in Europe somewhere. There’s always that need to connect to family, so you can’t blame her for trying.

Worst of the episode: The Shay’s black cat costumes for the Fall Follies. It was very disturbing.

Where did this episode leave us?: Getting an idea that Tessa’s mother is going to resurface sometime soon. It seems like it should happen.

Best one-liner: Tessa replying to George about what the best part of living with her grandmother for the summer was – “Probably how early she goes to bed.”

What the episode ruined for us: Black Cat Costumes

Rating:

– a la Chryshele