New Girl – Santa


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S02xE11 – Jess, CeCe, Schmidt, Nick and Winston party crawl to several holiday celebrations. At many of them they run into Sam who admitted that he made a mistake and tries to win Jess back. Nick’s new girlfriend Olivia Munn tries to get him to screw outside the box which doesn’t prove to be too easy for him. Winston gets a cranberry stuck in his ear and can’t hear anything the entire night until doctor Sam helps him out.

Best of the episode: Everything is always fun when they share one big storyline.

Worst of the episode: The cranberry incident. Eep.

Where this episode leaves us: Jess is going to give Sam another chance. Nick realizes he can’t change who he is.

What this episode ruined for us: Anything with cranberries.

Rating: Rating PotatoRating PotatoRating Potato

Holler, Jordan

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New Girl – Bath Tub

new girlS02xE10 – Jess wants a bath tub in the bathroom, and so she gives a presentation consisting of a poster with all of them in a bath together, and then they take a vote. Three against one in favor of no bath tub. Sad for Jess. Later Winston confesses that he really does want a bath tub, and so Jess and Winston conspire on how to make that happen.

Meanwhile Schmidt has finally admitted that he’s in love with Cece. The others already knew this so his announcement was less than climactic. So Schmidt goes and pours his soul out to Cece who doesn’t reciprocate and this depresses Schmidt.

Nick is at work and really digs this emo girl sitting by herself drinking. So he ignores his own rule of hitting on the customers and goes and does so. Even though his approach was totally awkward she seemed to like it and invites him to sit. They seem to get along, but then this girl’s ex-boyfriend shows up and threatens to hurt her, and Nick tries to be the hero, but the girl ends up knocking him out, and then they take the guy to a strip club because there’s a guy there that does stitches. Also the girl is a stripper, so that’s why they go there. Then another stripper sees that the guy is knocked out, and it’s her husband, so the two girls start to fight and Nick gets caught in the middle trying to break it up. That doesn’t work very well. The next day the girl shows up and Nick tells her that he can’t see her because breaking his own rule leads to bad things. But that doesn’t work either. Nick likes the bad girls it seems.

So Jess and Winston have got them self an old rickety bath tub and are filling it up with water up on the roof when one of the claw feet breaks under the weight and the tub collapses spilling water all over the roof, which then leaks down into the loft, specifically into Schmidt’s room ruining all of his suits. So Jess and Winston devise a plan to say that they were robbed by meth addicts. So they start taking things from around the apartment, tie themselves up and wait for Schmidt to come home. When he does they explain the whole situation and he finds it odd that the addicts didn’t take the douche bag jar money. Oops. After the fake robbery, Jess and Winston still have to figure out what to do with the suits and realize they can dry clean them, so they do so and then devise another robbery where the addicts take the douche bag jar money this time, but bring back the suits all clean and pretty. They’ve got Schmidt believing until Winston who has been having a hard time with the lying gives up the truth. Schmidt doesn’t seem to really care all that much with Cece having rejected him. Schmidt deserves a hug.

Best of the episode: The meth addict robberies.

Worst of the episode: Cece not wanting to be with Schmidt.

Where this episode left us: It sounds like we need to play the Taylor Swift Never Getting Back Together song for Schmidt and Cece. And Nick’s going through something too.

What this episode ruined for us: Roof Bath Tubs

Rating:

– a la Chryshele

New Girl – Eggs


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S02xE09 – While having a dinner party with their lesbian couple friends, Jess and CeCe decide to have their fertility tested. Turns out that Jess is fertile Myrtle over here but CeCe’s time to procreate is almost up. Schmidt finds out that he really can only have good sex if his heart is in it, the contract with his boss proved that. He made an appointment with the lesbian gyno and after him showing her some techniques (on a picture of a woman, good lord) she confirmed that he definitely knows what he was doing. He was good, but something was always missing and she pointed out that it was “feelings”. Turns out, he was in love with CeCe…and everyone knew it but him.

Best of the episode: Seeing Schmidt’s softer side.

Worst of the episode: Seeing CeCe be crushed when she finds out she’s got only a limited number of eggs left.

Where this episode left us: Will CeCe and Schmidt get back together and HAVE A BABY? Would Nick really be cool with fathering Jess’s child? Ha.

What this episode ruined for us: Lesbian dinner parties. Kidding, they’re probably not always downwers. Just don’t talk about vagina’s.

Rating:

Holler, Jordan

New Girl – Parents

S02xE08 – Jess’s parents are coming for Thanksgiving. Jess has it in her head that she will perform the parent trap on her divorced parents, in hopes that it will work. Only problem is that she’s tried this before. Several times. And it’s never worked. Schmidt’s brother is also coming to dinner, and if you thought Schmidt thought very highly of himself, his brother trumps him several times over. Oh and Schmidt’s brother goes by Schmidt too. Very confusing. So to determine which brother can go by the name, they have a competition of strength and will power. Cece decides the ultimate manly test will be the first one to kiss Winston get’s to go by the name Schmidt. Meanwhile Jess’s tactics aren’t working so well, that is until both her parents go into the bathroom to cleanup her father’s clothes after a turkey baster accident, and when Jess opens the door, she finds her parents making out. Obviously this leads Jess to believe that her parents are getting back together, but when dinner finally happens, and they’re back to bickering, it’s a slap in the face for Jess who storms off dumping the entire turkey in the sink, and going to her bedroom. She’s twelve apparently. Jess’s mom goes in and talks to her and smooths things over making her realize that her parents are never going to get back together, it’s just not in the stars. Schmidt and brother Schmidt are trying to figure out if they can actually kiss Winston. Schmidt goes in for the kill, but chicken’s out, brother Schmidt does the same thing, and then just does it. Brother Schmidt wins, but Winston is disturbed.

Best of the episode: Jamie Lee Curtis and Rob Reiner as Jess’s parents.

Worst of the episode: Jess acting like a child because her parents aren’t in love.

Where this episode leaves us: Schmidt and his brother are in constant competition, and the douche bag jar should be full.

Best one-liner: Jess – “I just want to warn you guys that my mom’s a little bit perky.”
Winston – “Wait, you think she’s perky?”
Jess – “Well, she doesn’t have my dark side. I got that from my dad.”

What this episode ruined for us: Jess

Rating:

– a la Chryshele

New Girl – Menzies


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S02xE07 – While discussing the bills, Jess feels as if inanimate objects count as methods of payment while Schmidt disagrees.  They have been covering her too long and they cannot keep doing it.  He threatens to turn off the gas until she can pay him.  GET A JOB, ninny.  PMSing, can you blame that?  Nick thinks no, even though he’s irrationally angry 365 days a year. 
Nick is relaxing on a park bench when he yells at a smiling Asian man for no reason.  Maybe this man will be his Grandma Willow and help him.  He vents all of his frustrations to him and tells him his life story.  the Asian man says nothing, only giggles.
It helps Nick know that he has an anger problem and needs to change.
Schmidt is at dinner with CeCe and Robbie when he tells a story that stars his attractive co-worker, Emma.  CeCe is a little weirded out that Robbie finds her to be the “nice” girl.
Gas is off.  Schmidt will not pay it out of principle.  Winston tells Schmidt that he thinks he is having sympathy PMS for Jess.  Something is wrong and he is very concerned.  Schmidt tries not to laugh but thinks he’s irrational.  Jess is upset there is not hot water and Schmidt stands his ground.  Nick arrives to tell everyone about his revelation with creepy Asian guy.  After realizing that the hot water is off Nick gets his rage back.  Quick, find Asian guy.
Schmidt gets called into Emma’s office and asks her to do him on a really thick contract.  Turns out it’s an agreement that if they do it they are safe and covered by all of the office policies and Emma’s policies as well.
Nick finds Asian guy and tries to give him a name since he won’t talk.  He guesses Tran which he believes is right because Tran smiles.  Tran offers his hand to show Nick the way to happiness (I hope it’s a tree or river or something).
Jess is at an interview and she’s feeling stinky because she did not get to shower.  She is interviewing to teach adults.  Her interviewer shows her a photo of her dog that is named after Boo Radley, and Jess gets emotional over how small the dog is and the fact that the dog is also dead.  Well, there goes that interview.
CeCe complains to Schmidt that she is NOT the nice girl, she is the mistake.  She seems to want to ruin this thing with Robbie so she starts hitting on Schmidt, and of course he responds and kisses her.  She realizes her mistake and pulls away, she has a qualm.  He tells her that he will never stop wanting to kiss her, and she feels that he helped her realize that she is okay.  So of course he takes out Emma’s contract to ponder.
Tran brings Nick to a pool.  He starts to tell him to get undressed.  Hey it’s a pool, not a river but I was close.  Time for some creepy male healing/bonding.  He takes Nick into the pool and cradles him like a baby while a woman plays a flute in the background.  “You are a huge baby,” Tran says.  Nick admits.
Jess and Winston are relishing in their menstrualness.  Nick arrives rejuvenated.  He tries to discuss Jess’s issues with her.  He takes her to the healing pool.  She is very uncooperative.  He gives her a harsh dose of reality that it is not PMS, it’s her being down after losing her job.  GET BACK UP JESS.  Tran agrees.
Schmidt meets with Emma to discuss the contrat, he makes a few suggestions and they are good to go.  He undermines her authority (rejects her) and legally he can’t, but where she has bound him with leather he has a rough time but eventually succeeds.   And hey, the gas is back on.  Jess got a job teaching creative writing to adults!  Too bad Winston is still menstrual.  But it’s not PMS, it’s depression.  He misses Shelby.  I think he’s going to the pool, too.
Yep.

Best of the episode: Nick’s relationship with Tran was adorable.

Worst of the episode: Lot’s of period talk. SIIIIICK.

Where this episode leaves us: What will become of CeCe and Robbie?

Best one-liner: Schmidt – “Maybe a cold shower will wake you up to some harsh financial realities, Jessica Day.”

What this episode ruined for us: To Kill A Mockingbird. PUPPYYYYYY.

Rating:

Holler, Jordan

New Girl – Halloween

S02xE06 – Nick is nervous about the quality of the sheets for the couch bed he’s making because he has an old college crush coming to stay while she’s in town. Schmidt isn’t helping by telling him he got crappy sheets. Jess walks out in her Woody Allen zombie costume because she works at a haunted house right now. All the guys start doing their best Woody Allen impressions and lines from movies. Winston wins.

Jess is supposed to get dirty with Sam after she’s done at the haunted house, and the guys ask about him caring that she looks “scary”, to which she replies that Sam doesn’t care what she looks like because he’s just using her for her body. It all works out I guess.

The next day Jess is at Sam’s work because he left his wallet. Turns out he’s a pediatrician. So cute. He doesn’t like to tell the girls he’s with what he does because then they start to think differently about him. Jess swears knowing the real Sam doesn’t change her thoughts at all. Then a kid walks in and they do the fishtail hand slap, and her eyes melt.

Schmidt and Winston talk about how Winston and Shelby agreed to dress in sexy costumes for Halloween, and he’s hoping this way he will finally have sex with her. After all this time they haven’t done it, which is slightly shocking. Schmidt tells Winston that he doesn’t really have a girlfriend, how could she be in love with Winston if she doesn’t sleep with him. This is Schmidt logic mind you. He thinks Cece is still in love with him and that’s why she’s still with Robby. Schmidt also fantasizes about beating up Robby as young Abraham Lincoln. That’s going to be Schmidt’s costume, so it makes a little more sense.

Nick’s college crush is in the apartment, and Nick is charming her up and shows that he even made her a couch bed. She must really like that because she kisses him. Nick seems pretty happy about it. A little later, Jess is telling Cece about Sam’s day job while sewing Robby’s ninja turtle costume. Unfortunately Schmidt pokes his head in and makes fun of Robby. Robby takes it in good stride. He seems like a decent guy. Nick takes college crush girl to bed and he’s pretty excited about it, but then she tries to swallow his face and then bite it off. Nick’s turned off, but tells her it’s hot anyway. Nick is having fun with I don’t remember her name and Jess is having fun with Sam and for some reason Nick and Jess meet in the hallway and high five for being sluts. Jess then tells Nick she thinks she likes Sam, and then college crush girl comes out and there’s a total awkward moment in front of Jess where she tries to swallow Nick’s face again. Jess recovers enough to ask Sam as he’s leaving if he will come to her last night at the haunted house and dress up for her. He doesn’t like to do the dress up thing, but agrees to go.

So everyone shows up to the haunted house and Winston has dressed as a cop, which is his idea of sexy and Shelby has dressed as raining cats and dogs, that’s her version of sexy. They’re screwed. Cece and Robby are riding the merry-go-round, Cece is dressed as an angel and Robby as Raphael ninja turtle. Schmidt shows up and ruins the fun. He’s so hung on Cece! Jess is telling Nick (who’s dressed as Bea Arthur! It’s a night of puns)  how she’s going to tell Sam how she feels. Nick tells her it’s not a good idea and then college crush girl shows up and Nick is just not feeling it and expresses his dislike for her to Jess. He honestly is right not to like her because she’s a little obsessive and creepy.

Schmidt is giving Cece and Robby crap still, so Robby decides to pull Schmidt aside and tell him he knows Schmidt doesn’t like him, but they need to get along for Cece’s sake. Schmidt tries to head butt Robby, but Robby’s a foot taller than him and has ninja turtle reflexes to block Schmidt every time. It’s kind of funny. Sam shows up and he’s not dressed in a costume, but then reveals through a non-cliched sneeze a clown nose. God I don’t like clowns.

Jess is working in the haunted house talking to her co-workers; Frankenstein’s monster and mummy, about whether she should tell Sam how she feels. They tell her to do it. Nick is outside talking to Sam and finds out that Sam is talking to another girl and Sam says Jess is cool with it. Nick is so sweet and heads into the haunted house to talk to Jess. The unfortunate part is that as he’s had the crap scared out of him at every corner, he punches Jess out when she jumps out at him. Her co-workers come to the rescue and Nick gets a kick in the groin and attacked by all of the monsters. It’s his nightmare come true.

Winston and Shelby are going through the haunted house, and zombie nurse doesn’t get her costume even after Shelby explains it. People are stupid, but nonetheless this prompts Winston to tell her how unsexy her costume is, and asks why they aren’t having sex. They both admit the relationship isn’t working, and that’s the end of that.

Nick gets kicked out of the haunted house and Sam takes care of Jess’s cheek where she was punched by Nick. She confesses her feelings to Sam, who doesn’t reciprocate, and now Jess is hurt. Nick after some nudging from college crush girl admits that he’s not into her, but goes a little too far by telling her she kisses like reverse cpr, and then gets slapped. Two people are going to have sore faces now.

Schmidt decides to come around and be good to both Cece and Robby. And how does he show this? By stripping down to his underwear and giving his Lincoln costume to Robby so that they can look like their costumes go together and they’re a couple. It’s a sweet gesture. Schmidt then puts together his back up costume: Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike. With the help of a little kid giving up his hat, his new costume is complete. It’s disturbing, but wins Cece over. I think Robby’s time is limited. Sad for Robby.

Nick is consoling Jess at home about Sam and apologizing for punching her, when the guys walk in.  Nick gives Jess the opportunity to hit him because he hit her.  She cannot go through with it and Nick is relieved.  Of course at the last second…she clocks him.  Boom.

Best of the episode: Nick’s costume, just because I know how much my co-blogger Jordan can appreciate it. And Shelby’s costume, I love punny costumes.

Worst of the episode: Zombie Jess. Seriously she didn’t look zombie enough because she still has to look semi-cute for the camera.

Where does this episode leave us: Cece and Schmidt possibly getting back together. And the foreshadowing of Nick and Jess getting together is thick.

Best one-liner: Schmidt – “Statistically speaking every American thinks about Abraham Lincoln at least once a day.”

What this episode ruined for us: Woody Allen not that it was hard.

Rating:

– a la Chryshele

New Girl – Models


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S02xE05 – It’s CeCe’s birthday and so Jess made her a cake.  She cannot eat it and watch Clueless like they usually do.  Instead CeCe wants Jess to come out with them, them being the “models”.  Then the Russian says YOLO and I give up on life.
Nick is watching a documentary on turtles.  He wants a turtle named Jess.  Tender.  Schmidt bought Nick a cookie, he was thinking about him and thought he should have a cookie.  Jess tries out her model look and Schmidt says she does not look tired enough.  She uses her tactic of pointing to objects and describing them.  They think she looks like the monkey from a Russian cracker ad.  And she does.
Nick seems to be really into turtles right now.  Schmidt also seems to be somewhat annoyed with Nick.  Maybe the cookie wasn’t sincere.  Wait, it is, but maybe Schmidt is just really sad that Nick doesn’t think about him. 
Jess has learned the Russian monkey dance.  Jess basically insults CeCe not to her face, but to her face.  Modeling has made her dumb.  Nick get a turtle, let the turtle-proofing begin!  Winston is siding with Schmidt saying that Nick isn’t as considerate a friend as they are, it dates back to when they were kids.  Schmidt even cleans Nick’s room once a week!
Jess admits to CeCe she feels sorry for her because she cannot eat cake.  CeCe retaliates with a boob slap, she owed her one from 7th grade.
The pet store is out of turtles and Schmidt is not going to talk to Nick anymore.  They became friends in college and they are still not sure why they became friends.  Jess is trying to talk them through it.  Nick wonders why Schmidt loves him so much and if he is a bad friend?  Jess wonders if she’s a bad friend because she was mean to CeCe.  They both wonder why they are friends with CeCe and Schmidt.
Jess goes to visit CeCe and apologizes, but not before she meets “Wilmer Valerama”.  CeCe still has to go to work, but cannot stand on the spinning platform due to her hangover so Jess agrees to fill in (she’s big in Japan).
Jess is slowly starting to realize how hard it is to be a model.  She can’t even walk in the heels they provide.  Basically it’s a disaster.
Nick tries to mend the fence with Schmidt.  He gets him a gift because he was thinking about him (is it a turtle)?  It’s a Jewish cookie.  Schmidt is not impressed.  Nick has a sort of breakdown about being a bad friend.  And he cries.  He would even give up his turtle dreams for Schmidt.  This is friendship.
Jess can finally tell CeCe modeling is a lot harder than it looks.  Both of their boobs hurt.  So they eat some cake and watch some Clueless on VHS (“Dionne asking Tai for sex advice?”) with the boys.

Best of the episode: Seeing how excited Nick was for getting a turtle.

Worst of the episode: The models.  They’re not very funny.

Where does this episode leave us: Everyone is friends again so whackiness can ensue!

Best one-liner: Schmidt – “I’m a human being and I’m entitled to my emotions.”

What this episode ruined for us: Butt drinking, but let’s be honest, it was already ruined.

Rating:

Holler, Jordan